Be Cautious or Be Brave?

Be CAUTIOUS or be BRAVE?

Yesterday I was invited to a birthday party for my niece in West Salem, WI. I could have jumped in the truck, hit the freeway, set my cruise control on 73 MPH, and arrived in around two hours. Or, since the weather looked good, I could jump on my Spyder and take the scenic route up to the party.

The Spyder.  I call her Charlotte.  Get it?  From Charlotte's Web?

As soon as I started to entertain the idea of riding the Spyder, I started to cook up reasons not to ride it. What if I broke down – or worse – got in an accident? It's such a long ride. My longest ride to date has been around 1.5 hours. This would be closer to 2.5 hours ONE WAY. What if I get too tired? Is it a good idea to ride that far all by myself? I had just about talked myself into just taking the truck when the question popped into my mind: Are you going to be cautious or are you going to be brave? Or, to borrow a line from the original Aladdin movie: Am I Sultan or am I Sultan?

Then it occurred to me that the truck could break down or be involved in an accident just the same as the Spyder. If it happens on the Spyder, I would just have to do the same things I would do if it happened with the truck. As for getting tired, well, I didn't have anything else to do on Saturday. I literally had the whole day free to do whatever I wanted to do. What am I saving my energy for anyway? I thought, “To hell with it! I'm riding the Spyder!”

You know what? I was REALLY tired Saturday night. My hands, arms, and shoulders were pretty sore. Riding motorcycle is very interactive after all! I am also ridiculously, unrelentingly happy. I had a great ride through some of the prettiest country in southwest WI. It was both peaceful and exciting. I did get a little tired on the way back, so I stopped at an antique store and found a really cool Pepsi sign. I asked the owner about the sign. He told me it wasn't very old, probably from the 1970's. So I said, “That's perfect! I'm also from that 1970's. That means I'm not very old either!” :) I also stopped at a farmer's market and picked up some fresh local strawberries. I did get caught in three little rain showers on the way home, but that just added to the challenge and gave me reasons to stop and wait out the showers and rest.

This sign and I aren't very old.  Yay!

It would have been really easy to stay inside my comfort zone and drive the truck. It would have been nearly effortless and would have saved some time. But, saved time for what, exactly? Riding the Spyder that far by myself was stretching the limits of my confidence. The thought made me rather nervous. I have found that most often true happiness lies somewhere just outside the outer limits of my comfort zone. The joy is in the doing and overcoming. Sometimes folks think that if they could just be comfortable, content, and stress free, they would be happy. I find that I need a bit of stress, a bit of a challenge to be happy. It is nice to return to comfort and relax, but you cannot really appreciate that unless you stretch and become uncomfortable once in awhile. When faced with the choice to be cautious or be brave, I like to try and be brave every now and then. Turns out my happy place is just at the outer limits of my comfort zone in a place I've never visited before.

The speedometer on the Spyder goes up to 200 MPH.  I'm not THAT brave!  Such a fine line between brave and stupid.

Okay, Now What?

I have 1.3 million things to do, and I'm frozen. Okay, I don't literally have 1.3 million things to do, but it sure feels like it. I know I should be doing something – anything – just pick something from the list and move! Still, I can't seem to figure out what to do next. It's like I have paralysis by analysis except I've left out the analysis. If I did the work to think about and set my priorities, I wouldn't be stuck standing in my kitchen staring at my to-do list wondering, “What next?”

Setting priorities is important because if you do not figure out what is meaningful and important in your life, you will have trouble managing your time. On the surface it seems simple to just do the the next, most important thing, but that can be really ambiguous sometimes.

Who establishes what is and is not a high priority? Who has the final say in differentiating what needs to get done and what I want to work on? What is a high priority for me may not be very important to my spouse. We work hard to talk things out and compromise when necessary, but I still feel guilty when I sit down to read a book or write a blog post. I know that she does not mind when I pursue these interests. Still, when I use my time on these purely selfish endeavors, I worry that she'll be wondering if this is why the lawn is getting so darn long or lamenting that I haven't even started building our new fire pit yet. Priorities require sacrifice, investment of time, and resources. I am willing to make the sacrifice and invest the time. The problem is that I'm only one person. I am a limited resource!

Societal expectations also play a large role in setting our priorities. I know a person who is very fussy about keeping her lawn mowed. In May and June she might mow lawn twice per week. She also uses a lawn sweeper to pick up her grass clippings. She sometimes will lament how much work this is. She, too, has a lot of other things to get done, so I asked her once why she spends so much time on her lawn when it doesn't seem to be bring her any additional joy. Isn't mowing one time per week enough? She explained, “I just don't want my neighbors thinking it looks like a hay field over here.” In my case, I want my lawn to look nice, but I'm not willing to commit the time to mow twice per week and use a lawn sweeper. Honestly, I would be surprised if my neighbors thought much about my lawn. I know I don't have time to think about theirs!

When I get stuck like this, life seems to play in fast-forward while I am stuck in slow (or no) - motion. I feel like life just keeps throwing things my way and I can't juggle all of the tasks I know I need or want to accomplish. I've tried trying to speed up to match the perceived pace of life, but I can never match or maintain the increased pace. Of course I can't. Life hasn't actually started going faster. I've just fallen into the trap of freaking out about it! I need to slow down, take a deep breath, and just give this a bit of thought. (Heather, do NOT pick up that phone! Now is no time for distractions!)

First, I need to separate my responsibilities from my hobbies. Building the fire pit? Responsibility. Reading my book? Hobby. Then I need to examine how I feel. Did I get enough rest? How does my back feel today? The answer to these two questions dictate much of what I can and cannot manage from day to day. Next, what is the weather like? I simply can't mow lawn or build a fire pit if it is going to rain all day long. That's probably a good time to work on my writing or enjoy a good book.

Once I have established what is required, I need to be honest and ask myself, “Is this realistic for me in the time frame I have established?” Maybe I need to adjust the time frame. Maybe I need to ask for help or hire a professional. A very dear friend pointed out to me once that just because something must get done does not mean that I, personally, have to do it. It was like I was fumbling in the dark looking for a light when suddenly she hit the switch for me! Asking for help or hiring someone is not weakness. It is a form of efficiency. It allows me to keep things on track and focus my energies where they are most needed.

Okay, good. The analysis is starting and it's helping quite a bit. Everything is fine. There is no rush. I am the one exerting this pressure on myself, and I don't need to do that. Yes, I need to check in with my spouse and make sure our expectations are aligned. No, I do not care what my neighbors think about my lawn - if they are thinking about it at all.

I find that I accomplish more when I slow down and be deliberate than I do when I rush from here to there only getting each task 80-90% complete. Do your job. Do it well no matter how long that takes. Don't cut corners or take short-cuts. When you have it, enjoy your free time and pursue the hobbies that thrill and invigorate you.

Here's the really good news. Sure, you have to consider others and balance your priorities with the expectations and priorities of those also invested in the outcome. However, at the end of the day, YOU are the one who gets to decide what your priorities are. If you take longer than expected completing a project, that's okay as long as you are happy with the result and you clearly communicated the reason for the delay completing the project. If you asked for help or hired someone to do something for you, that is a sign of self-awareness not weakness. When deciding what is important to you, don't let what a stranger or acquaintance might think derail you. Above all, be kind to yourself. Learn from your mistakes. Try not to repeat them. You are a work in progress after all. Enjoy the work and celebrate the progress!

The Words You Are Looking For Are...

A quick note before we dive in. I am not the first person to write about this topic. I did a quick Google search, “women apologizing,” and got a long list of great articles on the topic. If you are interested in reading more, fire up the Google and get to work!

The other day I was in a restaurant and needed to use the bathroom. I opened the door and walked in. There was another woman in there waiting for a stall to open up. The first thing she did is look at me and say, “I'm sorry. I'm waiting in line.” I just smiled and said, “No problem.”

Later that night, I was at a concert and some ladies needed to get past me to get to their seats. They looked at me and said, “Sorry. Our seats are over there.” I stood up to let them by and smiled and said, “No problem.” Throughout the night, they apologized a bunch of times. “Sorry. I need to pee.” “Sorry. I need to get a beer.” “Sorry I'm dancing, but I just love this song!” I just smiled and offered my standard response, “No problem.”

I'm starting to think there IS a problem though. Ladies, you do not need to apologize for waiting in line in the bathroom, making your way to your seat, leaving to use the bathroom, leaving to get a beer, or having a great time at a great concert. You do not have to apologize for just simply existing in the world. Being polite does not mean you must repent. A simple, “Excuse me,” and a smile will convey the message just as effectively.

Along these same lines, I'm getting a tad tired of the whole, “resting bitch face” phenomenon. You are not required to plaster a smile on your face every second of every day just to set those around you at ease. Smile if you feel like it. Smile when you are truly happy. Maybe - just maybe - there are some people you do not smile at because you do not want to set them at ease. You have a right to not only exist without apology, but you do not have to smile at every person who crosses your path either. Perhaps I'm thinking about something important rather than grinning like an idiot. Maybe I'm not thinking of much at all. Maybe I am grinning like an idiot. Either way, it's none of your business!

I'm not saying that you should be curt and rude. Not at all. I think it is important to move through the world with kindness and empathy and joy. There is definitely a time and place where it is valid and necessary to be polite. In those cases, I believe the words you are looking for are, “Excuse me,” rather than, “I'm sorry.” Pair those words with a smile, and you might just be able to move mountains.

My Spirit Animal Is...

A plant. I don't think my spirit animal is an animal at all. There have been times when I might have thought my spirit animal was a house cat or maybe the Dory character from Finding Nemo. Like a house cat, I would happily lounge around the house all day. I could really get used to just living to eat and nap like a house cat does. I don't really have short term memory loss like Dory, but I do get distracted easily! Look! Something shiny! I'll be right back... Lately, I've started to notice that there is one living thing that mirrors my mood and behavior almost exactly, and it isn't an animal at all.

I think my spirit animal is a plant. Specifically, a geranium. Yes, a geranium. Why? Well, let me explain. Growing geraniums is easy as long as you can give them what they need. So what do I, I mean, what does a geranium need? It need lots of light and warm temperatures. Simple, right? Well, maybe not so simple this far north of the equator.

Last summer my geranium and I were doing great! Lots of sunshine and warm temperatures were good for the both of us physically and mentally. Well, I can't speak to the plant's mental health, but I felt pretty good in that respect, and the geranium was blooming like crazy.

Then, little by little, the days kept getting shorter and shorter. Before either of us knew it, there just wasn't enough warmth or sunlight to keep us humming along. As we entered Fall, and began the holiday gauntlet, the geranium and I started to show signs of distress.

After the holidays, we were both running on fumes. The plant didn't have any blooms left and only about 3-4 green stems could manage to support green leaves. As for me, well, my energy and mood cratered. If I could, I would have just stayed in bed and waited for Spring. Unfortunately, I had to get up and try to keep that damn plant alive among my many other chores and responsibilities.

My geranium in late February 2019. At this point it's actually starting to look better!

Luckily as we rounded into March and headed into Spring, the plant and I both started to perk up a bit. The bright red blooms returned with the ever lengthening days, and so too my mood and energy rebounded as well.

My geranium mid-April 2019. What a difference a little sunshine makes!

Now that we are almost to the middle of May, we are both back on top of our games. It is time to take advantage of the longer days and warm temperatures! I've got projects and vacations planned and cannot wait to storm into Summer 2019 with a vengeance.

Next Fall, I just have to keep an eye on the geranium. When it starts to loose its blooms, I'll know it is time for me to start conserving energy as well. My Fall 2019 Resolution (as opposed to my New Year's Resolution – who says resolutions are a one time a year thing anyway?) is to recognize my limits and set clear boundaries about what I have the energy to enjoy and when I need to just dial back on my schedule and rest. My spirit plant has shown me that getting through winter doesn't have to be such a bummer. I just have dial back my ambition a tad and honor my body and its need to rest. We'll both bloom again in the Spring!

Welcome

Hello, and welcome to my blog - The Jibber Jabber Machine!

Jibber jabber is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as rapid and excited speech that is difficult to understand. Those of you who know me well know that I tend to slip into this pattern of speech pretty easily when I get excited about something. Sometimes when my wife is driving and having a hard time staying awake, she'll ask me to fire up the jibber jabber machine to help keep her awake. It only takes a bit of a prime and a couple pulls on the starter rope, and I'm off pontificating on any number of wide ranging topics. I am very seldom at a loss for words.

I've kicked around the idea of starting a blog for a long time now. Conventional wisdom in the blogging community holds that a blog should have a single focus or topic. The problem I've had over the years is trying to hone in on something specific. I have a lot of different interests over a wide range of topics. The problem, it seems, is that I lack a single passion that is the driving force in my life. I used to think this lack of passion was a weakness or fault, but as I get older, I'm starting to believe that having one true passion that drives you is probably rather rare. The saying goes that if you follow your passion, you won't have to work a day in your life. However, when I look around, most of the people I know definitely work for a living! I'm not sure following your passion is the best advice I have ever heard. In fact, it can probably even be a barrier to living your best life.

A few months ago, I was listening to an episode of Oprah's Super Soul Sessions with Elizabeth Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love fame. After the success of that book, Ms. Gilbert became a guru of sorts. People wanted to tell her their stories and ask for her advice. For a long time, she encouraged people to follow their passion. After all, writing is Elizabeth Gilbert's passion, and look how it worked out for her! One day a woman who had heard Ms. Gilbert speak wrote to her and let her know that advice was both hurtful and rather unhelpful. What are you to do when there isn't one single force that drives your every action? It is a tough question for sure. Now, instead of encouraging people to follow their passion, she encourages people to follow their curiosity.

That advice, that simple shift in perspective, has been quite helpful for me. It spurred me to believe that my blog doesn't need to have one narrow focus. Instead, this blog will chronicle my journey simply following my curiosity. I'll write about books I've read, music I dig, movies that inspire my creativity, and also include snippets from diaries that I've started keeping during my various projects around the house. It'll probably cover some other stuff too. I get distracted by shiny objects very easily! If you are interested and amused, I invite you to come along on the journey. I don't really know where I'm headed, but I'm determined to have a great time getting there!